


Can't Change What Happened

by hobbleit



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Break Up, M/M, Sad times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:03:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbleit/pseuds/hobbleit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I didn’t say anything to him,” Enjolras turned and gripped hold of the back of the chair once more not wanting them to see how much they were upsetting him.  Why wouldn’t they just listen to him?  This wasn’t his fault for once but they were all ready to blame him.  Did they really think so little of him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the Spin Hugo Spin Kink Meme. Request: R and e fight and everyone gets on r's side because they all know enjolras can be insensitive and harsh. Only this time it was all r's fault and e doesn't understamd why nobody is willing to listen to his side of the story. 
> 
> Just give me lots of enolras angst! And maybe getting some confort from the least expected person? My only request is an apology from les amis/r not being a magic fix that maies the hurt go away
> 
> Now with added song lyrics from A Natural Disaster by Anathema

_**It's been a long cold winter without you** _  
_**I've been crying on the inside over you** _  
_**Just slipped through my fingers as life turned away** _  
_**It's been a long cold winter since that day** _

"What did you say this time?”  Enjolras heard the voice from behind him as he gripped the back of the chair so tight his knuckles turned white.  Great, he thought, they must have passed Grantaire on the way up as he was storming out.  He didn’t really want to have this conversation.  Grantaire had riled him up and upset him to the point he was shaking.  The harsh words he had spoken had cut Enjolras deep, right down to his soul, saying things that Enjolras had never thought possible and now all he wanted was to be left alone.  He had been hoping he could slip away before anyone else arrived but that was not to be.  Now he knew he had to face his friends.

“We saw Grantaire, he looked upset,” someone else spoke, Combeferre perhaps; Enjolras wasn’t sure.  His head was spinning and he couldn’t quite make out which ones were speaking.  None of them sounded too happy with him.  He sighed.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” even his voice sounded weary.  He rubbed his eyes and ran his hand through his golden curls.  Sniffing slightly, he turned to face his friends.

“What did you say to him?”

“I didn’t say anything to him,” Enjolras replied defensively.  He was right, it hadn’t been his fault.  Yes, Enjolras could be caustic on occasion and often insensitive but in this case it had been Grantaire who had been the insensitive one.  “It was just an argument.”

“You seem to be arguing a lot,” another one of them said, again Enjolras couldn’t quite work out which one. 

“No more than usual,” Enjolras replied.

“But you always seem to upset him,” another voice piped up.  “Every time you two argue you say something and then he storms off to get drunk.  Don’t you think before you speak?”

“What?”  Enjolras said in a daze.  They couldn’t possibly be blaming him for this.  It wasn’t his fault.  He hadn’t even started it, Grantaire had shown up looking for a fight.  “This wasn’t my fault.”

“And will it still not be your fault when he gets so drunk he can’t find his way home?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Enjolras continued to protest.  “This wasn’t my fault.  He wanted a fight, he said some nasty things…”

“Like you haven’t said things just as bad to him.”

“He said that I was a fake, that I didn’t really care about helping people.”

“That doesn’t sound like Grantaire, the man worships the ground you walk on.”

“I think he was drunk.”

“He’s usually drunk and it’s usually something you’ve said that causes him to drink.  Sometimes I don’t even know what he sees in you.”

“I didn’t say anything to him,” Enjolras turned and gripped hold of the back of the chair once more not wanting them to see how much they were upsetting him.  Why wouldn’t they just listen to him?  This wasn’t his fault for once but they were all ready to blame him.  Did they really think so little of him?  He needed to get away from them.  He needed space to think.  He grabbed his jacket off the table and stormed past his friends not wanting to listen to their accusations any more.  He ignored their protests as he stormed off.

_**It's hard to find** _  
_**Hard to find** _  
_**Hard to find the strength now but I try** _  
_**And I don't want to** _  
_**Don't want to** _  
_**Don't want to go on and speak now** _  
_**Of what's gone by** _

It was a cold day outside.  The winter had not yet completely ended and the snow was clinging to the ground in a desperate attempt to stave off the spring for another few weeks but Enjolras did not seem to feel the cold.  He was angry.  He was angry at Grantaire for saying those things to him.  He was angry at his friends for siding with Grantaire even though they didn’t even know what had happened.  They had automatically assumed it was all his fault and proceeded to blame him for what Grantaire might do.  It’s not like Grantiare wasn’t a grown man and responsible for his own actions.  No.  It was all his fault.

Enjolras flopped down onto a bench, not caring that the seat was wet.  He felt the cold water seep through the material of his trousers but he didn’t care.  He felt too miserable.  He felt tears well up in his eyes and he forcefully wiped them away before they fell.  He didn’t want anyone to see him cry.

“Are you okay?”  He heard someone say.  He didn’t immediately recognise the voice so when he looked up he was surprised to see Marius standing over him looking concerned.  They hadn’t really spoken in months, not since Marius had starting going out with Cosette and had lost interest in going to the meetings. 

“I’m fine,” Enjolras replied slightly more brusquely than he had intended.  Marius didn’t seem to notice and sat down next to him.

“You don’t look fine.”

Enjolras rolled his eyes slightly.  He really didn’t want to discuss his relationship problems with Marius but he knew the other man was not going anywhere.  “It’s nothing, really.  I just got into an argument with Grantaire that’s all.”

“I’ve never seen you look so upset after you’ve argued with him before.  You usually look angry and self righteous but you just look so sad.”

Enjolras laughed humourlessly.  Marius was right; he was usually riled up and self righteous when arguing with Grantaire.  Maybe this was the universe laughing at him for being such a horrible person.

“Marius?”  He asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Am I a bad person?”

“What do you mean?”

“Am I such a horrible person that even when I don’t actually start an argument and I’m the one who is being attacked I’m still the one in the wrong?”

Marius frowned slightly as he thought about what Enjolras had just said.  “I don’t think you’re a bad person,” he responded with eventually.  “I think you are a very passionate person and I think that sometimes you can be very scary but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a bad person.  You’re just Enjolras.  Why are you asking?”

“I said that I had an argument with Grantaire,” Marius nodded.  “It was a really bad argument but I didn’t start it.  I was waiting for everyone to arrive and Grantaire got there first and he just started ripping into me.  I don’t even know why, he’d seemed so happy this morning but he just kept yelling, saying that I was a hypocrite and a liar and that I didn’t really give a damn about helping people or changing society because I was really just a spoiled little rich kid playing games.”

“That doesn’t sound like something he’d say, he worships you.”

“Well, apparently, he doesn’t.  I don’t know where all this came from but then he stormed out and everyone saw him and they think I said something to upset him.  I didn’t say anything to him but they all just assumed I did,” Enjolras felt his voice crack and his eyes fill up with fresh tears.  He didn’t want to admit how much Grantaire and his friends had hurt him but he just wanted someone, anyone, to tell him it would be okay.

Marius rested his hand on Enjolras’ shoulder, hesitantly at first but firmer once he realised Enjolras wasn’t going to shove him away.  “See, even you’re too scared to even touch me.  I’m just a horrible person,” he cried.

“Enjolras, you are not a horrible person.  Like I said, you’re passionate and scary but you are so dedicated and caring.  You are definitely not a horrible person.  They just don’t know what happened.  I’m sure if you just explain to them then they’ll be more understanding.”

“I tried to explain to them but they wouldn’t listen.”

“Then just give them some time and I’m sure once they realise then they’ll apologise.”

“I’m not really sure I want to hear their apologies.”

“You’ll feel differently when you aren’t so upset.  You just need to calm down and think clearly.  Give it a few days and I’m sure everything will be just fine.”

Part of what Marius was saying struck a chord with Enjolras.  He just needed some time away to think about everything.  “Thank you,” he managed a small smile.  “You make a lot of sense.”

“For once,” Marius grinned and Enjolras couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah for once,” Enjolras stood up as wrapped his coat tightly around him.  “You know, if you ever wanted to come back to our meetings then you can.  We don’t hate you, we just don’t really understand your politics.”

“I’ll think about it,” Marius stood up.  “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will if you will.”

“I have Cosette to do that for me,” he laughed.  “See you around.”

“Yeah see ya,” Enjolras replied as he headed home.  He had a lot of thinking to do.

_**Cos no matter what I say** _  
_**No matter what I do** _  
_**I can't change what happened** _  
_**No matter what I say** _  
_**No matter what I do** _  
_**I can't change what happened** _

Grantaire was home when Enjolras returned, sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands.  Enjolras couldn’t even bring himself to speak to him.

“Enj,” he heard Grantaire say but he did not respond.  “Enj, please speak to me,” he was met with silence.  “I’m sorry about what I said.  I didn’t mean it.”

Enjolras snapped.  “Didn’t mean it?  You didn’t mean it!  You shit on everything I stand for, everything I believe in and all you can say is you didn’t mean it.”

“I was drunk.”

“That makes it all okay then doesn’t it?”  Enjolras shouted back.  He stormed off into the bedroom and grabbed his bag from the top of the wardrobe and quickly began filling it with clothes.  He was joined a moment later by Grantaire.  “You know, they all think it was something I did; that it was my fault that we were arguing and they wouldn’t even listen to the possibility that it could have been you,” he said as stuffed some more clothes into his bag and zipped it up.

“I’ll tell them it was me just please don’t go.”

“I need to go.  I need to think and I need to be away from everyone whilst I do.  I’m going to stay with my parents for a few days.  I’ll call you,” he didn’t even look at Grantaire as he left, not entirely certain that he wouldn’t stop and stay if he looked into the other man’s eyes. 

He slammed the door shut and collapsed against the hard wood for a few moments breathing deeply to compose himself before he left.  He let a few tears fall from his eyes and he did not try to wipe them away.  He felt bereft and alone.  He wanted nothing more than to open the door, accept Grantaire’s apology and make up but he knew that it would not be for the best.  No matter who started it they argued constantly and he wasn’t sure he could do it anymore.  He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with Grantaire anymore.

He knew without a doubt that Grantaire would tell everyone that he had been the one in the wrong and he knew that they would try and call him to apologise once they knew but he didn’t want to hear their apologies.  He took one last glance at his phone before he turned it off and left it on the floor by the door.  He didn’t want to speak to any of them.

Enjolras took one last deep breath before pushing away from the door and headed out of the apartment building, not even sure that he would be back.

The late afternoon sun tried to warm the air around him but it was still cold.  Good, Enjolras thought, it matched how he was feeling.  He heard a voice behind him and he knew it was Grantaire but he did not stop.  He couldn’t bring himself to stop and turn.  He could feel his resolve weakening with every step.  He hailed a taxi and quickly got in, ignoring the sobbing man on the pavement as it pulled away.  As much as it hurt him it was for the best.  It was all for the best.

_**You just slipped through my fingers** _  
_**And I feel so ashamed** _  
_**You just slipped through my fingers** _  
_**And I have paid** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t say anything to him,” Enjolras turned and gripped hold of the back of the chair once more not wanting them to see how much they were upsetting him. Why wouldn’t they just listen to him? This wasn’t his fault for once but they were all ready to blame him. Did they really think so little of him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to write a second part to this but a couple of people said they wanted it to continue so I did.
> 
> I did want to keep it true to the original prompt so there's no magical reuniting between the characters and I'm not really an ExR shipper (except when it's really angsty) so I wasn't ever going to have a truly happy ending for the two of them. Hope you enjoy it anyway.

Enjolras flopped down on his bed, burying his head deep into the pillow.  It had been three days since he had left Grantaire and gone to his parent’s house and he had spent those three days avoiding the various phone calls from his friends.  The only person he had spoken to was Marius who had phoned to tell him that the only reason he was calling was because Courfeyrac had forced him to and ask how he was because he was currently the only person that Enjolras was speaking to.  Enjolras had almost laughed at his brutal honesty at pointing out that this was not his choice.  Maybe the guy was worth another go after all.  He’d told him that he was fine and that he just needed some time.  He hadn’t heard anything since.

He knew that Grantaire had told them the reason behind their fight and they were calling to apologise but Enjolras was just not in the mood to hear it.  They could wait for a while whilst he decided whether or not to forgive them.  He knew that he would, he always did, but for once he wanted to make them sweat for a while.  He wanted them to feel truly sorry.  That might make him seem harsh but he just didn’t care anymore.

And then there was what he was going to do about Grantaire.  Enjolras had no idea what he was going to do, he didn’t even know what he wanted anymore.  As much as he missed the other man and as much as he loved him the last three days had been peaceful; free from arguments and fighting and Enjolras liked that.  Things were simpler here.  He knew he wasn’t going to come home from work to find a drunken boyfriend passed out on the couch and he knew that he wasn’t going to get so angry that he ended up shouting at the other man only to be filled instantly with regret.  It seemed like the only sex they had these days was make up sex after a fight.

But he did love Grantaire and those feelings were not just going to go away.  The second he had made up his mind to end their relationship his heart started yelling at his brain telling him to give it one more go, if he could persuade Grantaire to get help for his drinking then it would all be all right.  Enjolras knew that wasn’t ever going to happen.  Grantaire had to do this for himself and not for Enjolras so he knew that the only thing he could do was offer him a choice. 

Enjolras returned back to his empty flat on the fourth day having finally made up his mind about what to do.  He threw his bag down on the floor and sat on the couch waiting for Grantaire.  He didn’t appear.  Another hour passed and there was still no sign of him.  Sighing heavily, Enjolras decided he wasn’t going to wait any longer and went out in search of his friends.

He found them in the café and they looked very surprised to see him.  They all jumped up and awkwardly greeted him, not wanting to invade his personal space until they knew where they stood.  Combeferre was the first one to step forward.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply which Enjolras appreciated.

“Thank you,” he replied but made no move to make amends further.

“We all are.  We heard you and Grantaire arguing and we assumed that it was you that had started it.  We shouldn’t have done that and we should have listened to you and believed you when you said that you hadn’t started it.”

“I understand why you did,” Enjolras said.  “I know I don’t have the most patience and I lose my temper easily, especially with Grantaire, but it still hurt to hear you blame me.  It made me wonder whether I could trust you all or not.  I still don’t know if I can.  I know you’re all sorry and I want to believe that, I really do, but it’s going to take time for me to get over this.  I think for the time being I just need some space from everything.”

Courfeyrac took a step forward, his face cast downwards which made Enjolras’ heart crack slightly.  He didn’t want to hurt his friends but he just couldn’t do this right now.  “Please tell me it’ll be okay?”  Courfeyrac asked.  Enjolras sighed.

“I don’t know,” he replied truthfully.  “I hope it will be, I just need time and I need to speak to Grantaire.  There are some things we need to discuss.  I’ll see you all around, okay?”

They all nodded and Enjolras quickly made his exit before he started to cry.  He wiped a single tear from his face as he left and then resolved his nerve to speak to Grantaire.

This time Grantaire was at home when he came back.  He was sat on the sofa, his eyes red and bleary; from crying or drinking Enjolras wasn’t sure.  He took a deep breath before speaking.  “I came home earlier but you weren’t in.  How are you?”

“I’m just great,” Grantaire sarcastically replied.  “How are you?”  He was drunk, Enjolras realised.

“I’m better now I’ve come to a decision.”

“And that would be.”

“Grantraire,” Enjolras started as he sat down on the couch and took Grantaire’s hands in his.  “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I would die for you but we can’t go on like this.  We argue all the time.  If it’s not about you being drunk then it’s about me not having time to see you.  I feel like we’re drifting apart and I don’t know how to get back to how we were in the beginning before it all went wrong.”

Grantaire pulled away from him and stood up, running his hands through his messy hair.  “You’re breaking up with me,” he said, not phrased as a question.  He already knew that there was no negotiating this and Enjolras had made up his mind.

“Yes I am,” he replied.  “I don’t want to but I don’t see any other way.  You need to get help for your drinking and I can’t help with that.  I’m part of the problem.”

“You are the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes,” he bitterly replied.

“Don’t say that,” Enjolras felt tears forming in his eyes.

“Why not?  It’s the truth.”

“Because if you say that then it stops me from believing that you can get through this.  I want to be with you, more than anything, but I can’t be the person to help you.  I’m the person who’s dragging you down and I won’t do that anymore.  Please say you’ll get help.  Promise me you’ll try.”

Grantaire stormed into the bedroom and exited a few moments later with a bag.  “Looks like I’m the one leaving this time,” he said.

“Promise me you’ll get help,” Enjolras said one last time but Grantaire ignored him as he slammed the front door shut, leaving him alone.

Enjolras sat in disbelief for a few moments before the panic set in.  He knew that Grantaire was going to do something stupid.  He grabbed his phone off the table, where it had sat since Grantaire had brought it inside after Enjolras left and dialled a number, any number.

“Enjolras?”  He heard Courfeyrac’s voice.  “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“I broke up with Grantaire and I think he’s going to do something stupid,” Enjolras explained, not wanting to waste precious moments with greetings.  “Can you find him and make sure he’s okay?”

“Of course,” Courfeyrac said and Enjolras could hear him grabbing his keys.  “What about you?  Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine, just find Grantaire,” Enjolras said and hung up the phone.  He collapsed back against the couch and for the first time in days allowed himself to cry.

He must have fallen asleep at some point, Enjolras realised as he opened his eyes, but he didn’t know how long for.  It was dark now and it was cold but he made no attempt to move from his position on the couch.  Grantaire hadn’t returned and the feeling of dread reappeared in his stomach.  He felt sick.  He was worried beyond belief and he didn’t know what to do.  He just needed to speak with Grantaire.

The phone went to the answer phone and Enjolras hung up without leaving a message.  It was obvious that Grantaire didn’t want to speak to him so he could only hope that Courfeyrac had found him before he got himself hurt or killed.

“Please be safe,” he quietly begged.

It was several more hours before Grantaire returned looking more sober than he had before leaving.  He had obviously been crying but thankfully he hadn’t drunk anymore.  “Can you tell me that it’ll be all right?”  He whispered, running his hands through Enjolras’ golden curls.

“I can’t,” Enjolras replied truthfully.  “I don’t know what’s going to happen but you’re not going to know unless you try.  You need help and I will give it to you but I can’t be your boyfriend while you do this.  It’ll only make things worse.”

“I want to do it.  I want to be sober but it’s so hard.  I can’t go through a day without needing a drink.  I want to get better for you and I need you here.”

“You shouldn’t do this for me, it’s not right and it’s not fair on me.  What if you fail?  You’ll blame me and we’ll be right back in this position.  You have to do this for you.  You need to make the decision to get better, you need to get the help.  You need to make this choice of your own accord and as much as I want to be with you I can’t.”

“What about after?”

“I don’t know,” Enjolras said, tears falling down his cheeks.  “I will always love you and you will always love me but I can’t tell you what’s going to happen.  You might call me a god but I’m not really.  We just have to take this one day at a time.”

“I spoke to Combeferre a few days ago and he got me the numbers of some rehab facilities,” Grantaire explained.  “I’m going to give them a call and see how long it’d take to admit me.”

“Good,” Enjolras sighed.  At least this was a step in the right direction.  “That’s good.”

“And maybe when I get out things will be okay and we can get back to when we were perfect.”

“I hope so,” Enjolras whispered even though he wasn’t sure if that would ever happen.  Grantaire needed to hear it right now so he had to comfort his love.  He took Grantaire’s hand in his and squeezed it tight.  “I really do hope so.”

 


End file.
